not feeling good. massive headache + puking tendencies. just went through some of my school stuff.. i am in deep shit. ahh.. aight last day to screw my day and night back together.. gotta work a lot harder these 2 weeks.. i don't understand why trouble loves company. one after another.. just keeps coming.. im not affected anymore.. more like irritated? i just want to give everything up and start a new. start everything all over again. jump start my life ?


i felt quite happy seeing my mates find their true loves and such recently.. but theres a tinge of enviousness in me. much like i pine for someone but theres no one hahaha.. its so weird to forget what its like to have a heart. its like knowing someone with everything you ever wanted but there just isnt that click, spark that makes u want to make things happen. much like what i told someone yesterday. totally impossible. i've forgotten what it means to love. oh wait not even love. i've forgotten what its like to like someone. and of course right now... i trust no one. my last trusting bone was thrown to the dogs. yeah those fierce drooling rabies infected ones. a whole bunch of em!


luckily for me, right now i dunt need the distractions of my long lost heart. exams in 2 weeks. my course program is so fucking screwed really. its like im rushing to be err.. whats that word? reincarnated or something. but im worried in my recent stone cold attitude towards life and people and friends and anyone possibly dear to me. i apologize right now for not being myself. or what you think i should be like.


maybe, i'd call to talk. maybe, i'd send a little message. maybe, i'd appear infront of you one day. i just need someone to get my mind off stuff so yeah entertain my little whims and fancies just for awhile. i don't have all the time in the world. i just have now. haha.. shit. i hate myself when im in this kinda mood. feels sooo.. errr.. moppy and soppy and watever. truth is.. after all this while getting to know myself.. i've realized im sucha loser who runs away from everything. every single problem i run away from. i have an innate need to avoid all things which remotely cause me any stress at all. something along the lines of if i dunt face it its not a problem or something. yeah. probably due to years of low self esteem. heh.


but today is probably a blessing in itself.. irene is being such a lovely girl.. and for some reason i find Miss E so incredibly cute today. and of course there is shaunniex, lovable boy really. <3 <3 i wish u the best mate w your true love. my mind has the capacity of a 3 year old.. albeit a genius little kid but yeah.. i cant have too many things on my mind at the same time.. problems with math. problems at home. problems in life. oh wait did i mention problems with math? lets make it problems with school. oh but i dunt have problems with love anymore. i dunt have love in me. not even an ounce hahaha. i wish everything would just be okay. and that everything was just a bad dream. no more regrets. no more hurt,lies and deceit. i'm not proud of what i've done. but i cant see a reason not to move forward. im leaving my baggage on the ground. taking the 1st bus,taxi,plane,helicopter. please God, no more rubbish in my life. my ambition was never to be a rubbish collector and yet you make it seem like its my calling.

Things to do:
get a life
screw sleeping pattern back on track
quit mahjong
put as little weight on right leg as humanly possible
get some courage
tell her the truth
pray for my family
study hard for exams
actually learn to understand math
learn to show people how much i appreciate them ( i am working on this desperately )
attend more lectures
be nice to people
tell mom i love her
stop eating supper
diet
exercise
stop mocking png ( this is like the hardest to do )
forget about everything that should be forgotten ( easiest to do )



gd luck to Miss XLL in her assesment today. bet you'll still look as fresh as ever :)